omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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