I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
