I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize