I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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