Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
