My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize