good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
