Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize