I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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