Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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