We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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