i need an iv and a liver transplant
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
How naked do you want me to be?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
