why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
