I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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