if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
