They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
