she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
