He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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