Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
