What did we do last night that was yellow?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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