I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
