you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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