so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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