I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
