This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
