We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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