I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dicks are not precious.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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