he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
