Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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