I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize