I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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