cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
