I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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