Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
