I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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