I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
