I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
