u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
