I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
