Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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