I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
