Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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