The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
