this beer tastes like vomit already
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
