I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
