my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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