she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
