Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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