I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
