i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize