giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
