Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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