Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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