soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
