I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
