I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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