I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
