I want to stick my p in your. b.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
