Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
