I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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